Вицове

[Noctis]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

[invisible]

Две мутри са на лов; единият видял нещо и стреля.

- Какво уби, бе?
- Една дива коза.
- Е отде знаеш, че е дива.
- Ми като е в гората - значи е дива.

След малко втората мутра стреля.

- Уби ли го?
- Да.
- Какво е?
- Дива бабичка.

[Jamesmagno]

Noctis, силен, силен

[Noctis]

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[TheRain]

[FloWersOfEviL]

Сега го преведи. Ще стане още по-смешно.

[Noctis]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Don't miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: To a lady,So the date of conception (her baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[TheRain]

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

[walrus]

__________

[Noctis]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"



A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Lord]

Ееееее, какво стана с яките вицове за евреи.

[atanas_tsankov]

Преживяванията на човека Х:

"Веднъж отивам в един бар и по едно време усещам, че ми се пърди, и то много сериозно.
За щастие музиката беше доста силна и ми хрумна да пускам леки,
но категорични пръцвания в такт с музиката - така, че да не се чуе.
И така 2-3 песни, обикалям из бара, докато ми олекне.
След 3-тата песен обаче усетих, че всички ме гледат странно с леко отвращение в погледа.
В този момент осъзнах, че не съм си махнал слушалките на айпода от ушите!"

Човека си го е написал на бг... Е не е ли ирония същия ден в който се правиш на интересен, че съм постнал стар виц, да повториш виц, казан преди 3 дена

I'm just sayin...

Мъж влиза в ресторант. Келнера се приближава до него и го пита.
- Какво искате?
Мъжът:
- Ами искам кола, хубава къща ...
Келнерът го прекъсва с въпроса:
- Какво ще желаете?
Мъжът:
- Ами хубава жена много пари ...
Келнерът отново го прекъсва с въпроса:
- Какво ще искате за ядене?
Мъжът:
- Ами какво имаш?
Келнерът:
- Ами кола, хубава жена, апартамент.

[Lithium]

Катаджия вижда кола, която минава с 200км/час. Спира колата и иска документите на шофьора, той му отвръщя, че няма такива. Катаджията решава да даде шанс на шофьора и му казва:
-Ако познаеш верният отговор на въпроса ми те пускам. Шофьора разбира се съгласил. Катаджията го пита:
-Влизаш в един тунел и виждаш два фара,какво е това ?
-Еми кола - казал шофьорът.
-Кола, кола , но каква какъв цвят,кой кара жена или мъж? - го попитал катаджията.
-Еми не знам - казал шофьорът.
-Еми не знаеш,тогава ще пишем акт.
-Не, не питайте ме друг въпрос.
-Добре,влизаш пак в един тунел и виждаш един фар,какво е това?
-Еми това е мотор - казал шофьорът.
-Еми мотор мотор ама колко кубика,каква марка,има ли каска?
-Еми не знам - казал шофьорът.
-Еми тогава ще пишем акт.
-Добре, а може ли тогава да ви питам аз един въпрос - попитал шофьорът.
-Питай - казал катаджията.
-Влизаш в един тунел и виждаш една жена с къса поличка,червени ботуши,маха с ръка на минаващите коли. Какво е това ?
-Еми това е проститутка сигурно - казал катаджията.
-Е, проститутка де проститутка ама жена ти ли е, дъщеря ти ли, майка ти ли коя

[Borisg]

Едно чукчи пита продавачката на билети:
-Този влак ще ме откара ли до С.Петербург?
-Не.
След него друго чукчи пита:
-А мен???

[Noctis]

бла бла ..

Поне е по-смешен от твоите недоразумения водещи се вицове, на които и публиката от "Комиците" не би се засмяла


A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."